Eat Over, Eat Under, Eat Backwards, Who Cares?!

Starting in November, almost every woman’s magazine will have an article entitled “How To Avoid Overeating at the Holidays,” an obvious necessity for the ravenous female appetite that shows it’s gluttonous head as soon as Thanksgiving commences. In our experience, this gluttonous head is as seasonal as Uncle Larry’s drinking problem, and if any list on this subject should appear it should be titled, “How to Avoid Overeating…At Any Time of the Year.”

But, the holidays are the time to be reminded of our less than perfect figures and our clearly nonexistent willpower. And while a list of 5-7 well-written pointers just short of encouraging an eating disorder usually works to boost self-esteem and induce rapid weight loss, we’ve put together another list, for those of you not wholly convinced.

How To Avoid Feeling Bad About Food at the Holidays:

  • You already know that magazines distort body image. Plus they waste paper. So, this year, don’t take the unrealistically skinny cover model too seriously. And if you want to destroy the environment, use Styrofoam.
  • Don’t tell any female family member that she has lost weight in hopes of a return compliment. You won’t get one.
  • Don’t eat in the closet. Your relatives will hear you unwrapping that Snickers bar and chocolate always tastes better without that side of claustrophobia.
  • Don’t make a public resolution to lose weight. If you want to diet in the New Year do it without the premeditative declaration.
  • If you want to eat a piece of cake, eat it, and then don’t complain about it after. No one cares. What’s done is done, and it was probably delicious.
  • Don’t say “I was bad today” after a holiday meal. If you find yourself categorizing “eating” as “bad,” it may be time to recalibrate your moral compass.
  • Don’t be fooled into doing a Juice Cleanse, it’s just a fancy way to say eating disorder.
  • Don’t use the phrase “avoid overeating,” that’s not a thing. There are more important things to avoid, for example, any singles event at your local YMCA, any personal trainer who tells you no bread over 40, and impulsively deciding to cut bangs after having a baby (hormones and haircuts are a bad combination).

Avoid wisely this holiday season.